I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
