Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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