I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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