I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
