The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
