i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
