Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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