Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
