I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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