i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
