My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
