Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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