I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
