I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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