How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
