Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
