a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
