Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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