whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
