My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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