Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
