: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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