i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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