Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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