Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
