The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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