She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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