Where is the hickey?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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