I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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