So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
