I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
