I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
