yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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