just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
