I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
