He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
