I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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