I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
