I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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