where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
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this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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