I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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