Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
