i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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