She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
