I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
