Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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