Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just invented taco cereal.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
