I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
