In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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