Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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