it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
