Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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