On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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