Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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