Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
