i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
