i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.