After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
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I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
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bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down