There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
